Just Quest

It’s the reason I’ve not played my warlock in a while. Nor my druid, nor my shammy.  None of my 80s, actually.  Because I’m constantly randomly going AFK to do some chore or watching the World Cup or reading some blog during an alt+tab moment.  I swear, half my /played time on my new druid has been spent AFK.  I guess they’re calling it “Away” now that RealID has opened up.

I tried some PvP on my warlock.  And it was becoming fun.  Actually, I was going to write about it — there’s about 3 different drafts of the same post floating around here about me being new to PvP and the TNB episode with Cynwise (GREAT episode, by the way!) and … I can’t get my head together enough to write it to my satisfaction.  I think it’s one of those things I need to print out and old fashioned hand edit it, but my computer isn’t connected to the printer here.  Well, maybe I could USB it…

Yes, printing it out and hand editting it.  I have the same issue with reading books.  As eternally bonded as I am with anything electronic, I just can’t bring myself to even consider buying a Nook or a Kindle.  There’s just something totally cool about a physical book in the hands. I used to use bookmarks, but now I consider a dogear-ridden book to be a mark of honor. Y’know, it’s been read.  Reading a book isn’t a one-way street, to me.  Good books leave their marks on you, and it tickles me when I see that someone has left their loving (has to be a good one) mark in return.  Most of mine are all dogeared all over the place.  I also apologize to the book whenever I spill something or rip the page accidentally or Elune forbid crack the spine.

There’s a “Wreck This Book” journal that makes you do all sorts of bad but creative things to the book.  The first page? Crack the spine.  It was paperback, so it had this thin flexible spine that was hard to actually crack.  I couldn’t get it.  I handed it to a strong friend, and he eventually did, but he quickly handed it back to me because he couldn’t stand how he just cracked a book’s spine.

Ahhhh… book-lovers.

But yeah, paper & pen.  I’ve always preferred free writing that way. I mean, blogging is cool, but usually I only choose a typing medium when my thoughts are moving too fast for paper writing.  I’ve also lost my paper writing touch over the years of neglect, and my keyboard typing has sped up.

Also I’m reminded of that one scene in Finding Forrester when Forrester is letting Jamal write on an old typewriter, and Jamal starts to type somewhat timidly, and Forrester yells “PUNCH the keys, for God’s sake!” and then Jamal starts punching a little bit, until it’s nothing but typewriting rain.

Yes, I’d totally buy a typewriter (I mean, OLD typewriter, nothing electric about it) if I can find one.  I have things like WriteMonkey installed on my computer.  That means sometimes I go and type out a rant without the ability to delete and the only thing I can hear is typewriter sounds.  It’s cathartic.

But the touch just isn’t right. Laptop keyboard isn’t the same as old typewriter keys, I would think.  So I prefer to “explore” concepts on by pen on paper rather than electronically.  Even writing on my Tablet PC with my tablet pen just doesn’t cut it.  There’s just something about how you feel the texture of the paper against the flow of the ink and the structure of the pen (because flowing gel pens are different than cheap-but-good BIC pens).

Duhhhh tangent…oh right, I tried some PvP.

Then I rolled another druid. Because druids are just addicting to level. Trying out pure boomkin leveling this time.  Got to level 40 so far. :)

I don’t have heirlooms on this one. Ama had heirlooms, purely because I so terribly wanted to play an endgame tree.  Astrape had heirlooms because they were hand-me-downs from Ama, and I figured why not since Astrape was planning on being elemental anyway (I had the spell leather ones).

But…I remember on Astrape, I felt like I was going too quickly.  I’d outlevel some awesome questlines.  Definitely outleveling professions.

So no heirlooms this time.  I like it better, too. It feels like my book reading psyche.  It’s not that I have anything against heirlooms, just like I have nothing against eBooks and typing.  It’s just I prefer doing it the “old” way.

I look forward to questlines like The Legend of Stalvan and The Missing Diplomat (even though that one’s ending is defunct now).  And the pretty purple cloak you get from the quest The Reagent Thief.  The Peace At Last quest always makes me pause for a moment, in the same way later on in Northrend (the one in Nexus when you kill the focus ley line wizard chick and you have to deliver her letter to her father — so sad =( ).  I like leveling purely to do these quests over and over again.  Speaking of, there’s an excellent post by Rades about this one quest I need to revisit eventually.

I’ve been revisiting a lot of things recently.

It’s one of those things you do when you’re depressed.  (Okay, I don’t know if that’s what you personally would do when you’re depressed, but it’s what I do when I’m depressed.  But the more I talk to other people about being depressed — people who have been or are depressed — I get the same things I feel back.)  Well, I was already revisiting things as I was depressing myself, but I wasn’t really revisiting them all the way through.

It’s hard to describe.

When I was depressed, it was almost like grinding leveling.  You hit the Accept button, you go do the quest, you come back, you pick a reward, you hit Complete Quest, and you move on to the next ! person.  No reading beyond how many you need to kill of what, etc.  You did it, but there’s no real acknowledgement or memory of doing it, because you weren’t really paying attention anyway.

Now, trying to be happy.  It’s like leveling for leveling.  I’m actually reading through the quests and taking it in instead of just moving on to the next quest.  In life, I’m trying to do the same thing.  Take it in, move on.

Move on.  That’s the important part. That’s the part I was missing for being depressed, I think.  That and some chemical brain stuff, because the Zoloft works pretty well so far.  But I still feel very strongly like I need to learn to fail and then let go of it and move on.  Instead of what I was doing which was failing and then holding it in how it’s obvious that I’m such an idiot failure and here’s a long list of errors proving such an idea.

And then I’d vent.  Or I wanted to, anyway.  See, the way that Zoloft works is it also keeps you from dipping into angry.  How can I describe it?  Trying to be angry while on Zoloft feels like I’m trying to make a pool noodle sink.  It just floats back up to happy in no time.  So I couldn’t vent my badness, and it just piled up like it did when I intentionally held it in.

Well shit.

One of the suggestions for me was to start a journal.

I’ve thought about applying it to WoW, too.  Not just me as a player raiding or leveling in WoW, but me as the character in WoW.  Roleplaying.  (Well duhr, maybe I’ll show you my new invention next week — I call it a wheel. /sarcasm)

I think it has to be a written one.  For one, it’d put me in explore mode (paper) instead of work mode (typing).  Which is what I need to be doing, I think.  Venting probably accomplishes something, but I guess it shouldn’t have to accomplish something.  Sometimes it’s okay to explore nothing. For two, since writing is slower, I’d have to slow down, which would give me time to reflect on things.

Theoretically, anyway.

So I was thinking about journals and when we went to the Barnes & Noble for kicks this past week, I spent some time in the “Reference” section.  The Reference section is usually dictionaries and thesauruses, but sometimes the how to write books are there as well.  And I found a self editting for writers book and a creative journal writing book.  The self editing will help me get into the critical reflecting mood, and the journal book, I hope, will allow me to stop being so anal about writing a perfect journal.

Because that’s really what happens.  I buy a pretty journal, I get all worked up and “I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it,” and then…it sits there under my bed for five years, completely blank, because I’m convinced I can’t think of anything drenched in brilliance and spunky wit with which to adorn the lovely pages.

So.  I need a journal.  And it can’t be fancy, because then I’ll never write in it, so I’ll probably just go buy a random spiral notebook.  (I love spiral notebooks!)  And then…

I need to just. Write.

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10 responses

  1. There is something magic about reading a real book, holding it in your hands, smelling the ink, and if its an older book mustiness. I love old books.

    There is also something magic about writing things out in pen and paper. I think it may allow you to reflect more on what you’re writing. It also feels more tangible than computer documents. You get done and you look at it and you can say that’s my handwriting, that’s mine, I made that.

    That said, I haven’t written anything out in years. When I sit down to write I typically have the high speed blur of thoughts coming out of my mind so that I find writing it out to be slow and tedious. That and I’ve run into the same issue, pretty journal, I can’t mar that with my random thoughts.

    I’ve never used a typewriter, but the way you’ve described it sounds oh so romantic.

    I’m glad you’re writing though. I think maybe it will help with the depression thing. Maybe? I’m not about to give advice on that. I’ve been in and out of it myself, and I know enough to know I am no expert. I wish you the best though, in writing and in life.

    27 Jun 2010 at 15:30

    • If they would manufacture a Febreeze or Glade with “old book smell,” I’d never leave my house. :D

      29 Jun 2010 at 10:54

  2. Jess

    I totally agree about the books. I could never buy a Nook either, although I disagree about the dog-eared pages. My paperbacks tend to get a bit worn around the edges, but I try my hardest not to break spines, rip/bend pages, or mark up the book. They may attract copies amount of sticky notes though.

    I also agree about the leveling. I love leveling (hence the alt-aholism) and only have one alt with heirlooms. Even with the new dungeon finder I rarely run dungeons, truly preferring to level through quests. There really are so many great quest lines out there that so many people miss. Good for you for having fun with it.

    I have the same sort of problem with writing in journals too. I have a whole row of variously sized and shaped little notebooks that I but intending to create journals (more of the nature variety) and just never get started or give up after a page or two because I don’t feel like I have anything good to put in them. (In fact they’re staring accusingly from my desk right now.) I really should start a plain journal again though, I think the key is just to start writing something, and if it sucks, oh well, just go with it. After all, no one ever has to know what’s in there. ;)

    love ya Meg!

    ~Jess

    27 Jun 2010 at 23:55

    • I went to Feralas this time, when I normally level in Eastern Kingdoms, and I did some quests for the very first time and it was exciting!

      The other concern about journaling by hand is I know how much I write, and I want to write until I feel finished, but I’m not sure if my hand won’t cramp up before that happens. =/

      29 Jun 2010 at 10:56

  3. Well, to start off, I’m on Lexapro AND Wllbutrin. That’s right. A single med could not tackle my personal brand of insanity. So they added another. Thus I am at least one medication crazier than you are :)

    I’ve found writing in any form useful when I am either in a depressive or manic state (i.e. the full blown crazies). It took me a while to realize that journaling is not about writing a masterpiece – its about emptying the garbage. My journal is where I get the manic and depressive thoughts out of my brains and on to paper. Total stream of consciousness – no need to even be coherent. It helps.

    I also love to write fiction. Like you I have trouble getting myself to just sit down and write – good or bad – to just get going. I’ve found that Mur Lafferty’s podcast/blog I Should Be Writing (http://isbw.murlafferty.com/) to be great inspiration. Mur started with podcast #1 as an unknown struggling author – now she has a book in print and another on the way. She has all our panic, fear, and doubt mixed with hope and some success and…oh, you get it.

    Anyways, love you blog :)

    28 Jun 2010 at 05:54

    • Total stream of consciousness, lol, I almost do that already.

      Oooh! Thanks for the link & new podcast to listen to! I tried a couple of recent episodes I could get off iTunes and I really do like it.

      I used to write Star Trek fanfiction. I think it’s still around, actually, somewhere on the net. And poetry, I did a bunch of poetry. Particularly slam poetry, because I fell in love with Ginsberg when we did that unit in 11th grade English class. I remember I did my assigned write & perform a slam poem on how I hate public speaking, and although I was shaking like an earthquake through the entire thing, they gave me a standing ovation to my wildest surprise. It really made me feel awesome. :D

      29 Jun 2010 at 11:00

  4. Zach

    Yay, I like being called the strong friend! It was painful, though, to break the spine of that book. It felt like I was hurting something.
    I will say that whenever I have a story in my head, or pain in my heart, there is nothing better then an empty pad of paper and a ink pen to get it out. I think there’s just something simplistic about just writing your thoughts out. With pen and paper, you aren’t thinking about your grammar or your spelling or if the first line needs to be indented a certain amount. You’re free to focus on what you are writing.
    So, yeah, makes sense to me.

    28 Jun 2010 at 21:47

    • Zach, if I can’t call you the strong friend, there’s something wrong with me or the world. And I’m not talking about your physical strength (though you are solid in that way, too). You rock, Zach. :)

      29 Jun 2010 at 11:03

  5. Hannah

    Oh Pone,
    It is good to see your website and read your words. I have missed you. Journal whenever you can wherever you can. If you put it on a permanent medium, it will sink into a drawer or box or stack and then resurface when you least expect it- for years and years. Every time you find it again and read it again it will make you smile and realize that you grow a little every day.
    Cheers!!

    18 Jul 2010 at 16:42

    • :D It’s great to be back with my Robes. Gods. Whatever. My Peoples.

      20 Jul 2010 at 16:39

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